Sunday, December 24, 2006
If your curiosity made you click this, be prepared to groan....
Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one
Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
At a jungle sale
What can you make that cannot be seen?
What do you call just married spiders?
What happened when the Ice Monster ate a curry?
He blew his cool
Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
To check his balance.
What did the fireman's wife get her for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking
What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About 1 mph.
Tuner: I've come to tune your piano.
Mr Smith: But I didn't send for you.
Tuner: No, your neighbours did.
Which bird always succeeds?
A budgie with no teeth.
What do monsters have for breakfast?
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden a few times.
Where did Sir Lancelot study?
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?)
What do you call a man with a spade?
What do you call a man who's lost his spade?
What's purple and shouts "Help"?
A damson in distress.
Doctor, doctor! Please can you help me out?
Of course - which way did you come in?
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time.
How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose.
How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
Knock Knock! Who's there?
Ride 'em cowboy!
What's the best birthday present for a little boy?
Well a drum takes a lot of beating!
Why did the baby foal take throat lozenges?
Because he was a little horse.
Who was the biggest robber in history?
Atlas - he held up the world.
How's the little lad who swallowed the £1 coin, doctor?
No change yet, I'm afraid.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
They use Norse code.
What did the great explorer eat in the jungle?
Steak and pygmy pie.
What will they do if the Forth Bridge collapses?
Build a fifth bridge.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip to outer space?
He wanted to find Pluto.
Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy.
Why do animals have fur coats?
Because they'd look silly in anoraks.
What question can you never answer YES to?
Are you asleep?
Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word centimetre?
Boy: My little sister was walking home, and I was centimetre.
What do you call a man wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like - he can't hear you!
What kind of paper likes music?
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?)
What lives in the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.
What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
It wanted to be a first aid kit.
What does Santa Claus use to wee his garden?
His hoe hoe hoe hoe.
Customer: Excuse me, waiter, do you know what kind of bird this is?
Waiter: It's a wood pigeon, Sir.
Customer: I thought so - bring me a saw.
Did you hear about the fool who goeas round saying No?
Oh, so it's you.
What would you get if all the cars in the U.S. were red?
A red carnation
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with sore feet.
What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.
Where do frogs leave their coats?
In the croakroom.
Who wrote the book Christmas Decorations?
Miss L Toe
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Who wrote the book about insomniacs?
What is green and moody? The incredible sulk.
Customer: Waiter! Waiter! This egg's bad.
Waiter: Don't blame me. I only lay the tables.
Why do bees hum?
Because they can't remember the words.
Newsflash: Forty pedigree dogs have been stolen.
Police say they have no leads.
Do you know the quickest way to the station?
Yes - run!
Waht do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers
My girlfriend's a twin.
How can you tell them apart?
Her bother's got a beard.
What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?
A triffle deaf.
Teacher: Where are the Andes?
Pupil: At the end of your armies
How does a monkey make toast in the zoo?
He sticks it under the gorilla.
Why did the landlord refuse to serve the ghost?
He didn't have a licence to serve spirits.
Jump up or down the page
I wouldn't say that my room was small but the mice are hunchbacked.
Why did the custard cry?
Because it saw the apple crumble
Who babysits for the kids?
What do you get after it has been taken?
Which dog is the most expensive of all?
A deer hound!
Wife: Did you take a bath this morning?
Husband: Why is there one missing?
How do hens dance?
Chick to chick
What has a bottom at the top?
Why did the nurse creep into the cupboard?
So as not to wake the sleeping pills
What has a neck but no head?
How do you start a pudding race?
Three men fell into the river, but only two got their hair wet. Why?
One of them was bald.
What goes whistling up the aisle at a wedding?
The bride's train.
What is grey, has four legs, a tail and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.
What is out of tune, rotten and goes to sea?
Sing bad the sailor.
What is the quickest way to double your money?
What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Doctor, I've a bucket on my head.
I thought you looked a little pail!
What do you call two newly married spiders?
What goes tick-tock-woof?
A watch dog!
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary
How does Jack Frost get to work?
What do you do with a sick budgie?
Give him tweetment
Which members of an orchestra can't you trust?
Where do tadpoles go to change into frogs?
In the croakroom!
What does the ocean say when it meets the coast?
Nothing it just waves!
What do you get from nervous cows?
Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard?
If you can stand more, try here, or here....
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Blog post sponsored by Make Money Blogging
Blog post sponsored by Blog for money
Sunday, December 10, 2006
A school in Dudley had to cancel its Christmas carol concert because one person complained about the noise it would make. So much for democratic rule. I just hope the voters remember which councillors ruled on this come the next local elections.
A growing number of companies are apparently banning their staff putting up decorations for fear of offending people of other faiths. It seems offending Christians doesn't count. As the Sun eloquently put it, "Kick 'em in the baubles!" And what's with this growing trend of people not sending cards, but instead sending the money to "chairideee" instead? Soon they'll be able to send it to the charity for redundant Christmas card makers. Why can't they come clean and just say they can't be a*sed to write 'em out, 'cos they must have been sending out loads, or buying really expensive cards, as you can get 40 for a quid nowadays.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Random Joys of Life: The Beeb reshowing the whole run of This Life, (the downside being that they're showing them two at a time and so late at night I can only see the first one....) seeing the likes of Miles, Egg and Anna again has been like seeing old friends (the series was billed as the British Friends - something that another series - Coupling - also suffered from. Besides being about a group of people who knew each other, neither were anything like the US sitcom)..... For once having knuckled down and saved for Christmas, so it won't be a shock to the wallet next month - I might even have some left over - woohoo! The recent repeat of the Seeger Sessions live show, superb stuff....
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
...a nude Bond is strapped to a chair and his privates are whacked with a knotted rope. This Bond gets battered, beaten and almost killed on more than one occasion. The difference with this movie to previous Bond outings is that this Bond doesn't just shrug off the villains, dust himself down and leave with a quip. His scars show. This is just one example of the film's makers breaking with the old formula, as they strive to match the new benchmarks set by movies like the The Bourne series. Going even further than they did with Goldeneye to reinvent the character, they've gone back to the source material and started afresh. This Bond is closer to the character Ian Fleming envisaged. Cold, cruel, detached, in many ways not very likeable. The childish humour has gone, as has old standards such as Moneypenney and Q, though gadgets still abound. The action is spectacular, especially the chase through the construction site and Embassy near the beginning, which is truly breathtaking. Out too are the outlandish take over the world plots, and the main action is centred in the Casino Royale itself, as Bond plays a game of high-stakes poker with the main villian La Chiffre (a fourtutious bit of timing with the game's popularity exploding recently). The tension increases as Bond's fortunes rollercoaster thoughout the game, so much so that after he finally wins, what comes after does seem like an anti-climax, though necessary for the plot. That and the blatant product plugs (it seems the government has an exclusive contract with Sony, who just happens to be the owner of Columbia, the film's distributor) are the only gripes. Make no mistake, Bond is back. Roll on 2008.....
Sunday, November 19, 2006
It wasn't until I undid my 28 inch baggy trousers that it all became horribly clear to me as the wet sensation of blood ran into my buttocks, I realized my trousers were too tight. My blood had been cut off from my leg by the forces of my expanding trunk.The heady days of the 28 inch waist had passed me by. My waistline was putting its foot down and accelerating. From there on in, it was downhill all the way. This blog will be a testiment to why"Life Begins to Suck at 40" I managed to keep my waistline in check until my mid-thirties, when it rebelled and expaned by two sizes as I put on two stone, jumping from the ten I'd maintained from my teenage years to two twelve. Stints at the gym and a change of job have kept things at bay, but I feel I'm only a couple of bags of crisps away from staring at a 36 inch label..... This is only one of many of StiK's cartoons that strike a chord, as well as a twinge in my back.....
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It seems laughter is not the best medicine for the managers of East Lancashire Hospitals NHS Trust. A proposed review of dress code suggests banning novelty socks. Staff could be disciplined for sporting socks with characters such as Homer Simpson on them (like the pair I'm sporting right now...). See-though clothing, and clothing that is too tight or too loose (?) will also be scrutinised. More here.
Has a batch of ladies trousers been made with the wrong washing instructions sewn in? Only there's a lot of women wearing pairs that seem to have shrunk, so that they only reach just past the knee. One women at work had such a pair, teamed with knee length boots and red a jumper. How I restrained myself from asking if she was auditioning for the new Star Trek movie I don't know. Ok, I do, I like my kneecaps facing forwards.....
Poppy sellers have been told they could not set up stall in Derby's Eagle Star centre. I appears the centre is being redeveloped and the stall would constitute a fire risk. Elsewhere, sellers are being advised not to give out pins with their poppies, in case someone injures themselves and tries to claim compensation.....
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Ok, rant over, I feel better now....
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
‘Is the Poppy Appeal still relevant?’ some ask. Sadly, events in Iraq and Afghanistan have shown us that, 85 years after the first Poppy Day was held to help soldiers returning from WWI, the cost of war remains the same. Every year many thousands of serving and ex-Service people and their families who have fallen on hard times continue to approach The Royal British Legion for help.That’s why the Poppy Appeal is as needed now as it ever has been. Last year the Appeal raised a record total of £24.7 million and yet this only accounts for a third of the £75 million required to fund the Legion’s vital work. Much of this money goes to fund Poppy Support, the Legion’s range of welfare services set up to support those who have served and continue to serve in the British Armed Forces.
So even if you may not agree with what's happening with our Armed Forces at the moment, the men and women who have served and are serving on our behalf need all the support we can give them. So dip your hand in your pocket, and wear your poppy with pride....
Monday, October 23, 2006
But is it any wonder kids fail . . .
In a country which made celebrated dimwit Jade Goody a millionaire?
And just which bloody dimwits had her plastered all over their pages to help her become a "celebrity" (what a devalued word that is nowadays...) in the first place? And continue to do so, along with others like her, perpetuating the idea success can be achieved without hard work and merit, but by debasing yourself on a TV show. Is it any wonder that some kids don't see any value in learning when they are presented with role models such as this? Ask a group of kids nowadays what they want to be when they grow up and many will say "rich and famous." Ask them how they will get there and they will shrug their shoulders. They think - expect- it to drop in their lap, without any effort on their part. Anyone who does try to better themselves, especially in some sections of the community, are ridiculed and bullied. Intelligence is seen as uncool and something to be derided.
Friday, September 15, 2006
The eDonkey2000 Network is no longer available.
Respect the music, download legally. Goodbye Everyone.
Tags: RIAA, Edonkey Overnet, P2P, file sharing
Sunday, September 10, 2006
read more | digg story
And it gets worse, they want to be able to remotely delete stuff you've legitimately paid for!
read more | digg story
Saturday, September 09, 2006
3. Try to sell your camera from step 1 at half it's original price to go towards the new camera which is already cheaper than the one you intend to replace it with. The more you spend, the better photographer you are. Right?
4. Realise you'll never sell the camera from step 1 unless you half its price again.
If I've had followed that advice I'd been about £400 worse off - before depreciation. Eighteen months ago I bought a Canon 300D. Shortly after, they brought out the 350D. I was miffed, but I'd got a good deal so that cushioned the blow. Now, all those who bought the 350D thinking they'd got the bees knees (where did that saying come from?) will be weeping into their camera bags as they read about the new 400D; which is a 10 megapixel beasty, as opposed to the 350D's 8. It also has a larger display screen and can take more shots before having to write to flash. Bugger.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
This is gonna give purists a heart attack....
And in related news:
"Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock in the original Star Trek series, told Jam Movies that he has been contacted by Paramount about his possible involvement in the upcoming 11th Star Trek film, being directed by J.J. Abrams.
It has been rumored that the film would deal with the first meeting of a young Spock and James T. Kirk at Starfleet Academy, but neither Abrams nor screenwriters Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orc have confirmed speculation about the premise or storyline of the sequel film."
It seems that after the lack-lustre performance of the last two movies and the Enterprise TV series the powers that be are going back to the original to give the franchise a boost. And the premise of a young Kirk and Spock would certainly generate interest. On the morbid side, the actors aren't getting any younger. We've already lost one the the classic trio with the death in 1999 of DeForrest Kelly, who played "Bones" McCoy", so if there is to be bringing together of Shatner and Nimoy, maybe it had better be sooner rather than later.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Why is it that films, dvds, games and cds are graded or starred in magazines or newspapers, but not books?
Have all the Polish immigrants that have supposedly flooded the country gone to work for Haven ? Or become NHS dentists?
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Remember: Left-handed people are the only ones in their right minds.....
Saturday, August 12, 2006
1977, 200AD, Judge Dredd, Tharg
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
BIG Brother was in crisis last night as bosses tried desperately to stave off national outrage at the phoneline rip-off scandal.
Sun reader Johnny Halliday, who called himself an EX-Big Brother fan, said: “Surely this must be the biggest rip-off of all time.
“Then Big Brother wants us to spend more money voting them back into the house next door.
“No doubt we will then have to phone in again to possibly evict the person from the main house we’ve already paid to evict. How stupid do they think we are?”
(I do think it's a bit rich of the Sun and others to lambast Channel 4 and BB's makers when it's progs like BB that help them sell papers....)
Monday, August 07, 2006
Talking of the news, how's this for a non-story. A supermarket wall fell down in the night. Police say if it had fallen down in the daytime it may have killed someone. Yeah, and if I had been in that part of the country, and if I'd had a dog, it could have been us....
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp.announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
read more | digg story
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The owners of Alton Towers are used to red faces, but this time it's them and not their patrons who're looking rosy cheeked. The theme park has booked a couple's wedding reception on the same day a Muslim company has booked a fun day for their employees. The couple have been told they cannot drink or have music, only halal food will be served, the rides will be segregated by gender, and the women will have to cover up, though are spared headscarves. The day has been organised with the aim of 'integrating Muslims into the wider community.' Is it me? For full story and serious replies click here. For piss-takes click here.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revolutionary, unbelievably easy invention work?
Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working.
BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginning as a location finder for any required information sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark. This enables the user to pick up his program where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK(tm).
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The protocol is called FAST, standing for Fast Active queue management Scalable Transmission Control Protocol (TCP).
read more | digg story