Merry Christmas

May all your surprises be pleasant ones. Be safe. Be happy.


If your curiosity made you click this, be prepared to groan....

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
At a jungle sale

What can you make that cannot be seen?
A noise.

What do you call just married spiders?
Newly-webs.

What happened when the Ice Monster ate a curry?
He blew his cool

Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
To check his balance.

What did the fireman's wife get her for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About 1 mph.



Tuner: I've come to tune your piano.
Mr Smith: But I didn't send for you.
Tuner: No, your neighbours did.

Which bird always succeeds?
A budgie with no teeth.

What do monsters have for breakfast?
Dreaded wheat.

How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden a few times.

Where did Sir Lancelot study?
Knight school.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?)

What do you call a man with a spade?
Doug.

What do you call a man who's lost his spade?
Douglas.

What's purple and shouts "Help"?
A damson in distress.

Doctor, doctor! Please can you help me out?
Of course - which way did you come in?


When do astronauts eat?
At launch time.

How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose.

How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
M.T.G.G.

Knock Knock! Who's there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Ride 'em cowboy!

What's the best birthday present for a little boy?
Well a drum takes a lot of beating!

Why did the baby foal take throat lozenges?
Because he was a little horse.

Who was the biggest robber in history?
Atlas - he held up the world.

How's the little lad who swallowed the £1 coin, doctor?
No change yet, I'm afraid.

How do Vikings send secret messages?
They use Norse code.

What did the great explorer eat in the jungle?
Steak and pygmy pie.

What will they do if the Forth Bridge collapses?
Build a fifth bridge.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip to outer space?
He wanted to find Pluto.

Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy.

Why do animals have fur coats?
Because they'd look silly in anoraks.

What question can you never answer YES to?
Are you asleep?

Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word centimetre?
Boy: My little sister was walking home, and I was centimetre.

What do you call a man wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like - he can't hear you!

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?)

What lives in the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's Digest.

What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?
Stinkerbell

Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
It wanted to be a first aid kit.

What does Santa Claus use to wee his garden?
His hoe hoe hoe hoe.

Customer: Excuse me, waiter, do you know what kind of bird this is?
Waiter: It's a wood pigeon, Sir.
Customer: I thought so - bring me a saw.

Did you hear about the fool who goeas round saying No?
No.
Oh, so it's you.

What would you get if all the cars in the U.S. were red?
A red carnation

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with sore feet.

What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.

Where do frogs leave their coats?
In the croakroom.

Who wrote the book Christmas Decorations?
Miss L Toe

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

Who wrote the book about insomniacs?
Eliza Wake.

What is green and moody? The incredible sulk.

Customer: Waiter! Waiter! This egg's bad.
Waiter: Don't blame me. I only lay the tables.

Why do bees hum?
Because they can't remember the words.

Newsflash: Forty pedigree dogs have been stolen.
Police say they have no leads.

Do you know the quickest way to the station?
Yes - run!

Waht do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers

My girlfriend's a twin.
How can you tell them apart?
Her bother's got a beard.

What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?
A triffle deaf.

Teacher: Where are the Andes?
Pupil: At the end of your armies

How does a monkey make toast in the zoo?
He sticks it under the gorilla.

Why did the landlord refuse to serve the ghost?
He didn't have a licence to serve spirits.




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19/4/1998

I wouldn't say that my room was small but the mice are hunchbacked.

Why did the custard cry?
Because it saw the apple crumble

Who babysits for the kids?
A nanny-goat.

What do you get after it has been taken?
Your photograph

Which dog is the most expensive of all?
A deer hound!

Wife: Did you take a bath this morning?
Husband: Why is there one missing?

How do hens dance?
Chick to chick

What has a bottom at the top?
A Leg!

Why did the nurse creep into the cupboard?
So as not to wake the sleeping pills

What has a neck but no head?
A bottle

How do you start a pudding race?
Sago

Three men fell into the river, but only two got their hair wet. Why?
One of them was bald.

What goes whistling up the aisle at a wedding?
The bride's train.

What is grey, has four legs, a tail and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.

What is out of tune, rotten and goes to sea?
Sing bad the sailor.

What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it.

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Wet feet.

Doctor, I've a bucket on my head.
I thought you looked a little pail!

What do you call two newly married spiders?
Newly webs!

What goes tick-tock-woof?
A watch dog!

Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary

How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle!

What do you do with a sick budgie?
Give him tweetment

Which members of an orchestra can't you trust?
The Fiddlers!

Where do tadpoles go to change into frogs?
In the croakroom!

What does the ocean say when it meets the coast?
Nothing it just waves!

What do you get from nervous cows?
Milk shakes!

Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard?
A barber!

If you can stand more, try here, or here....