My Resume
Title:
High Tech Martyr
Objective:
I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.
Experience:
Company Name withheld (2000-Present)
* helped deliver a project 2 months late and £85,390 ($149,000) over budget
* created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
* generated colorful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
* used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress
Company Name withheld (1998-2000)
* successfully accepted blame for a large scale enterprise software soltuion that was never completed
* blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
* coversaw £0.688 ($1.2) million allocated towards no particular goal
* documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages
Company Name withheld (1995-1998)
* successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
* poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
* communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
* accpeted full responsibilty to save Top level management the embarrassment of failure
Other Duties:
* failed holiday party (2002)
* forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
* alphabetized files incorreclty (2001)
* forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
* insulted CEO's wife(1984)
Additional Skills:
I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties and bar mitzvahs
Contact:
For more information, please leave a comment.
No reasonable offer will be refused.
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