Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas

May all your surprises be pleasant ones. Be safe. Be happy.

If your curiosity made you click this, be prepared to groan....

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
At a jungle sale

What can you make that cannot be seen?
A noise.

What do you call just married spiders?

What happened when the Ice Monster ate a curry?
He blew his cool

Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
To check his balance.

What did the fireman's wife get her for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About 1 mph.

Tuner: I've come to tune your piano.
Mr Smith: But I didn't send for you.
Tuner: No, your neighbours did.

Which bird always succeeds?
A budgie with no teeth.

What do monsters have for breakfast?
Dreaded wheat.

How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden a few times.

Where did Sir Lancelot study?
Knight school.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?)

What do you call a man with a spade?

What do you call a man who's lost his spade?

What's purple and shouts "Help"?
A damson in distress.

Doctor, doctor! Please can you help me out?
Of course - which way did you come in?

When do astronauts eat?
At launch time.

How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose.

How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?

Knock Knock! Who's there?
Yah who?
Ride 'em cowboy!

What's the best birthday present for a little boy?
Well a drum takes a lot of beating!

Why did the baby foal take throat lozenges?
Because he was a little horse.

Who was the biggest robber in history?
Atlas - he held up the world.

How's the little lad who swallowed the £1 coin, doctor?
No change yet, I'm afraid.

How do Vikings send secret messages?
They use Norse code.

What did the great explorer eat in the jungle?
Steak and pygmy pie.

What will they do if the Forth Bridge collapses?
Build a fifth bridge.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip to outer space?
He wanted to find Pluto.

Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy.

Why do animals have fur coats?
Because they'd look silly in anoraks.

What question can you never answer YES to?
Are you asleep?

Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word centimetre?
Boy: My little sister was walking home, and I was centimetre.

What do you call a man wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like - he can't hear you!

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
(Also see: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?)

What lives in the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's Digest.

What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?

Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
It wanted to be a first aid kit.

What does Santa Claus use to wee his garden?
His hoe hoe hoe hoe.

Customer: Excuse me, waiter, do you know what kind of bird this is?
Waiter: It's a wood pigeon, Sir.
Customer: I thought so - bring me a saw.

Did you hear about the fool who goeas round saying No?
Oh, so it's you.

What would you get if all the cars in the U.S. were red?
A red carnation

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with sore feet.

What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.

Where do frogs leave their coats?
In the croakroom.

Who wrote the book Christmas Decorations?
Miss L Toe

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Who wrote the book about insomniacs?
Eliza Wake.

What is green and moody? The incredible sulk.

Customer: Waiter! Waiter! This egg's bad.
Waiter: Don't blame me. I only lay the tables.

Why do bees hum?
Because they can't remember the words.

Newsflash: Forty pedigree dogs have been stolen.
Police say they have no leads.

Do you know the quickest way to the station?
Yes - run!

Waht do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers

My girlfriend's a twin.
How can you tell them apart?
Her bother's got a beard.

What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?
A triffle deaf.

Teacher: Where are the Andes?
Pupil: At the end of your armies

How does a monkey make toast in the zoo?
He sticks it under the gorilla.

Why did the landlord refuse to serve the ghost?
He didn't have a licence to serve spirits.

Jump up or down the page

I wouldn't say that my room was small but the mice are hunchbacked.

Why did the custard cry?
Because it saw the apple crumble

Who babysits for the kids?
A nanny-goat.

What do you get after it has been taken?
Your photograph

Which dog is the most expensive of all?
A deer hound!

Wife: Did you take a bath this morning?
Husband: Why is there one missing?

How do hens dance?
Chick to chick

What has a bottom at the top?
A Leg!

Why did the nurse creep into the cupboard?
So as not to wake the sleeping pills

What has a neck but no head?
A bottle

How do you start a pudding race?

Three men fell into the river, but only two got their hair wet. Why?
One of them was bald.

What goes whistling up the aisle at a wedding?
The bride's train.

What is grey, has four legs, a tail and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.

What is out of tune, rotten and goes to sea?
Sing bad the sailor.

What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it.

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Wet feet.

Doctor, I've a bucket on my head.
I thought you looked a little pail!

What do you call two newly married spiders?
Newly webs!

What goes tick-tock-woof?
A watch dog!

Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary

How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle!

What do you do with a sick budgie?
Give him tweetment

Which members of an orchestra can't you trust?
The Fiddlers!

Where do tadpoles go to change into frogs?
In the croakroom!

What does the ocean say when it meets the coast?
Nothing it just waves!

What do you get from nervous cows?
Milk shakes!

Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard?
A barber!

If you can stand more, try here, or here....

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Cool Blue Button

One of the things I love about FireFox is the immense range of extensions that can be added to the basic browser (I have 72 and counting) Some are purely for fun, some hum quietly to themselves until you need them,but others are invaluable, to the point I'd lost without them. The latest in my must-haves is CoolIris. Once installed, it places a little blue box by any links you hover over. Placing the cursor on the box brings up a pop-up preview of the page linked to, usually quicker than actually clicking on the link. Move the cursor off the preview and it disappears. If you want, you can navigate through the preview like a normal page, or lock the page open if you want to move the cursor away. This previewing is a real time saver if you have an number of links to go through, such as a search engine page (though for Google there is another extension that puts thumbnails on the search page) or a listings page or any page you're just curious about, without having to open and close an number of tabs.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Say it with sparklies

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It's a Cracker....

From a cracker pulled at our department's Christmas party:

What do you call an underground train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

There may be more. You have been warned.

A word from our sponsors....

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Is it me?

Torchwood. It's supposed to be a secret organisation, but everyone seems to know about it. They even have the name on their cars! It reminds of 70s TV show The Professionals, where CI5 was the worst kept secret around...

A school in Dudley had to cancel its Christmas carol concert because one person complained about the noise it would make. So much for democratic rule. I just hope the voters remember which councillors ruled on this come the next local elections.

A growing number of companies are apparently banning their staff putting up decorations for fear of offending people of other faiths. It seems offending Christians doesn't count. As the Sun eloquently put it, "Kick 'em in the baubles!" And what's with this growing trend of people not sending cards, but instead sending the money to "chairideee" instead? Soon they'll be able to send it to the charity for redundant Christmas card makers. Why can't they come clean and just say they can't be a*sed to write 'em out, 'cos they must have been sending out loads, or buying really expensive cards, as you can get 40 for a quid nowadays.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Tenant Time

Jeee, has it been a week already? Time flies when you're having fun! Sliding into the vacant slot this week is Rae from Ontario, somewhere I've always wanted to visit. Her blog headline says : "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other." Check out her site to see what she means.....