Saturday, February 25, 2006

What's In a Name

There used to be a website called Egosurf, which did a search and gave you a list of links to sites with your name. I think now most people use Google for that. There's still an Egosurf site, but gives a different type of information. I recently stumbled across something closer to the old site: Googlism, though it only gives snippets and not links. The depressing thing when looking at it is how much more interesting the lives of others with my name seem to be. It's a bit like the episode of Red Dwarf where a super-cool Arnold Rimmer (left) jumps to different realities to meet other versions of himself, but never meets one as annoying as the one in ours (which is the reason Holly the ships' computer creates Rimmer's hologram rather than one of Kochanski to keep Lister sane.... yes, I am a sad sci -fi geek....)

Marketing 101

Thanks to Brian Robinson for this explanation.....

So, for all the ladies who have asked, "What's marketing?", the following analogies will help clear it up...

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

Food for Thought

Can't wait to see the cards for this special day in Clintons....

Blame it on me

My Resume

High Tech Martyr


I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.


Company Name withheld (2000-Present)

* helped deliver a project 2 months late and £85,390 ($149,000) over budget
* created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
* generated colorful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
* used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress

Company Name withheld (1998-2000)

* successfully accepted blame for a large scale enterprise software soltuion that was never completed
* blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
* coversaw £0.688 ($1.2) million allocated towards no particular goal
* documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages

Company Name withheld (1995-1998)

* successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
* poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
* communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
* accpeted full responsibilty to save Top level management the embarrassment of failure

Other Duties:

* failed holiday party (2002)
* forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
* alphabetized files incorreclty (2001)
* forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
* insulted CEO's wife(1984)

Additional Skills:

I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties and bar mitzvahs


For more information, please leave a comment.
No reasonable offer will be refused.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Letters to the Editor....

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c***'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. lan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan


1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!"

Sc-Fi Surfing

Check out these fun mini-ads for the SCFI Channel from its website. You can also catch up with the latest info on shows like Lost, Stargate, Battlestar and others, but as it's the American site it contains spoilers that those outside the US may want to avoid. It also has snippets of forthcoming movies on the channel, such as: Rottweiller: An abused dog comes back with cybernetic enhancements ... and a taste for revenge! Or how about She Creature: A kidnapped mermaid uses seduction for revenge.....

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Good job I live with a Redhead....

'Cos if she was blonde I'd be in doghouse after she saw the best blonde joke ever.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

These explain a lot.....

You Are 48% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.

You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in
love with your own reflection.

You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low
risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, y
ou think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Flash, Fang, Wollop

I'm not really enamoured by a lot of flash sites, but this one I love. It's the promo site for the movie Underworld Evolution. The graphics are superb, gorgeously gothic with excellent details and swirling menus. It also has a nifty little game where you can battle as a vampire or a werewolf and help in their eternal war.....

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Picture Round

DoubleD CupCakes

iPod Porn

Cat Gets the Cream

Cat Smileys

Fresh Jugs

Freezing in here

Banana skin bikini

You'll find many more like these on The Sun's Viral Email Funnies page.